


Henchman

by whomii2



Series: POI alternate universe [22]
Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Gen, Humor, Trope Bingo Amnesty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-20
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-08 08:01:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3201644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whomii2/pseuds/whomii2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Henchman John Reese has quit his Evil Organization and is in need of a new job.  He finds one with wannabe Super Villain Harold Finch<br/>[series of one-shots]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Job Interview

Henchman John Reese was in need of a new job.

He had been stuck in an entry level position with little room for advancement for some time with his previous employer. Then he began to suspect that the Evil Organization was about to downsize him – permanently.

Reese had decided to jump ship first. So he had stuffed as many weapons and office supplies into his duffle bag as he could fit and left his resignation on a post-it note on his supervisor's desk. Well, the resignation was really a drawing of a smiley face sticking out its tongue and giving the middle finger, but John figured the pressure-sensitive bomb under Snow's chair would get the message across. Nothing says “I Quit” like a bundle of C4.

Not sure what his next move should be, Reese decided that New York city was his best bet. It had the highest concentration of Super villains, and any respectable Evil Organization would have at least a branch office there if not their headquarters. Fortunately there was always a lot of turnover in the henchmen and minion positions, so there should be some openings. The trick was finding the right position. Nobody relished being canon fodder.

John had perused various Soldier of Fortune magazines but nothing caught his eye. He had also put the word out at various seedy bars but no nibbles. Only some temp positions with a few small criminal crews, nothing with long-term placement. In order to make rent he was forced to search through Craig's List for any one-off gigs until he could find something more permanent. 

It was after a round of fruitless web searching that he was surprised by an incoming email. The email spoke of a possible position, and included a rather extensive background questionnaire as an attachment. With no better prospects at the moment, Reese spent an evening filling out the 100 page document before sending it and his resume as a reply. The recipient must have been impressed, as a follow-up email with an invite to a face-to-face interview arrived the next day. So Reese put on his most expensive suit, holstered his favorite gun, and strapped his lucky knife to his ankle before heading out to the diner where the interview would take place.

He made sure he arrived early so that he could case the joint before the meeting. Satisfied that it wasn't a trap, he ventured inside to find his prospective boss. The man was seated at a booth near the back, with a good view of the diner and all the exits. He had on a nice suit, tasteful and not too flashy, and was typing away at a laptop on the table with a cup of tea and a half-eaten muffin set beside it. After introductions “Mr. Finch” placed a small whirring device on the table to ensure their privacy, and then began to question John about a few points on his resume and questionnaire. John tensed slightly when the other man brought out a briefcase and opened it, but relaxed when he simply removed a folder outlining the details of the organization and the open position.

As John perused the documents he tried to conceal his excitement. A start-up organization! Clearly this Mr. Finch was an Evil Genius making the transition from Mad Scientist to Super Villain. Everyone knew that the Evil Genius was the backbone of any Evil Organization's or Super Villain's crew, crafting the weapons and other items needed to be successful. No one wanted to be out in the field with outdated or sub-par equipment. Just look at the poor schmucks working for Vector, having to use squid guns. That was just embarrassing. This Mr. Finch seemed organized, familiar with cutting-edge technology, and not too “mad” for a Mad Scientist. 

If things went well Finch might soon make a name for himself. And if John played his cards right, he might end up as Head Henchman or even Right-Hand Man!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you may have noticed a shout-out to Despicable Me. I thought of this story after rewatching the movie one time. And we all know if anyone could hatch a plan to steal the moon and anyone could help him do it, then it would be our Finch and Reese. Though currently in this universe our guys have no plans to purloin any celestial bodies (but give them time)


	2. Operating Income

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finch gives Reese a tour of Headquarters and explains the source of his ill-gotten gains

At first Reese hadn't been overly impressed with their headquarters. It was an old library, with an air of abandonment and neglect. His opinion changed as Harold gave him a tour of the interior. There was an elaborate state-of-the-art security system to discourage intruders. The upstairs rooms had been cleaned and furnished with comfortable plush chairs and couches. And beneath the building there were several floors of underground laboratories for Harold's R&D. 

The main lab was the ending point of the tour. It gleamed under the fluorescent lighting. On a stainless steel table a number of beakers bubbled away over Bunsen burners. A collection of test tubes, petri dishes, and a large microscope covered the rest of the table top.

Various gadgets and gizmos were crammed together on the shelves, and one wall was occupied by a row of tall machines covered in buttons and levers and flashing lights. The central device proudly displayed that wavy oscilloscope pattern that was a must-have for all laboratories.

“I am impressed Mr. Finch. How did you manage all of this?”

“A few well-placed bribes and the application of quite a large sum of off-the-books money to some unscrupulous contractors. But no need to worry about our current financial situation, we still have plenty of operating funds. Let me show you.”

Finch took a seat at the main computer console, typing in his password while the large plasma screen flickered to life. After a few moments he brought up a website for “Gramma Moses' Home for Wayward Kitties.” The picture of an adorable but somewhat wistful orphaned kitty appeared just above a plea for support for these needy animals.

Restraining his urge to coo, Reese remarked “That's one cute kitten.”

“It's a fake” Finch said smugly.

“What?”

“A fake. A composite derived from several different felines. It was constructed using an algorithm to calculate optimum fluffiness, big eyes, and perky ears for maximum 'Awwwww' factor. The website also has several subliminal messages. Most notably, that catchy little tune you hear will repeat endlessly in the viewer's head unless they pledge a donation.”

“That's.....diabolical.”

“I know” said Finch, chuckling evilly. “And it is just the beginning. I am also working on a Puppy-based website, as well as an upgrade to Cute Kitten version 2.0”

“So all those videos you have been watching on YouTube?”

“Research. Pure scientific research. Really.”

“Riiiiight.”


	3. Minion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Evil Organization expands

Reese was excited but trying to act cool. Finch had indicated that it was time for them to steal some stuff. He hadn't worded it quite that way, referring instead to “delicate acquisitions” but John got the idea.

Reese was more than ready for some action. He only hoped that he had laid in the right supplies for whatever job Finch had planned. John had used the budget Finch had allotted him to outfit the armory with all the basics: flamethrower, rocket launcher, grenades, a machine gun, and various pistols and knives. Reese had been weighing his options and trying to decide on the best explosive – C4 or dynamite? He was in the process of comparison shopping so that he could literally get the most bang for his buck. John was also secretly hoping that all that time Harold spent in his lab might result in a ray gun or two, even though the man had indicated he wasn't too fond of weapons. Maybe a lightsaber? Geeks liked lightsabers didn't they? Maybe Reese could talk Finch into making him a lightsaber despite Harold's anti-gun stance. John really wanted their debut crime to include some flashy high-tech weapons to make a statement and put them on the map in the criminal world.

Finch had also said that they should probably expand their little organization in preparation for the upcoming missions. He had dumped a number of thick folders with extensive background information on John's desk before retreating back downstairs with some fresh tea, claiming that as he would be supervising the new recruit Reese should make the final decision on hiring. John got the impression that Harold just didn't want to be bothered with the interviews, but John didn't mind. It would give him something useful to do. With the money coming in from the cat website Reese had been feeling somewhat superfluous until now.

John got himself a fortifying cup of coffee before tackling the stack of folders. His first minion! John had never been in a supervisory position before and was determined to do well. He perused the background information and the questionnaires filled out by the candidates carefully. This was important. Finally he decided on the most likely candidate, the one he would hire if the interview went well.

Former Detective Lionel Fusco was a crooked cop who had seen the writing on the wall and resigned before the Feds took down HR, the shady organization he had been working for on the police force. It showed the man had good instincts, not to mention a healthy dose of self preservation. His background information and resume indicated that he had been a low level minion. Competent, hardworking, loyal, but not too ambitious. The last was actually a good thing from John's point of view. There were few tracks for advancement in most Evil Organizations aside from assassination. John would rather have a minion loyal enough to watch his back than one ambitious enough to stab him in it. (He rather thought that that was why Snow had kept Evans as his lackey back in his old Evil Agency. Evans was too much of a doormat to ever contemplate trying for his bosses position. Stanton in contrast would be all too happy to advance her career over the bleeding corpses of her supervisors, which was probably one of the many reasons Snow kept her in the field and as far from him as possible)

Reese arranged an interview at the same diner where he had met Finch for his own. After asking Lionel a few leading questions, John gave Fusco the benefits package to peruse. It was a good one. Most Evil Organizations only gave minimum wage, with the occasional bonus if business went well. Not only did Finch offer an attractive salary but medical as well, which even included a dental plan! Dental was important as it was practically a right of passage for low level minions to have a few teeth knocked out. There was also disability insurance that covered not only the usual loss of limb, but also effects of shrinking or transmogrification. It was hard to work and hold down a job when you were only 2 inches tall or were turned into a fluffy bunny. There were also provisions for sick leave in case isolation was required due to the employee suddenly becoming radioactive or the carrier of a deadly disease. Most Evil Organizations would simply terminate the positions of those thus afflicted, unless their condition led to their developing superpowers so that they could advance toward a Super Villain position. The final part of the benefits package was a well thought out retirement plan. It was unheard of that a minion might expect to leave their Evil Organization any way but 6 feet under!

Fusco seemed impressed with the benefits package and eagerly accepted the job offer. Reese handed over their employee handbook and some paper work that Lionel would need to fill out and bring with him when he reported for duty on Monday.

Now the real fun could begin!


	4. Bear with us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finch introduces their new playmate

Harold had invited them down to the lab to see what he had been working on. John had his fingers crossed, hoping for ray guns. Fusco was looking around curiously, not having been down to the lower levels before. They entered the main lab where Harold was waiting for them. He was watching a teapot that was warming over a bunsen burner, teacup ready for when the drink was appropriately brewed.

“Watcha got for us Harold?”

Finch stood up and smoothed down his immaculate white lab coat. He then surprised John by giving a piercing whistle. There were scuffling noises from the next room and the clatter of nails as they were joined by Harold's pet project.

“Is that...?”

“A velociraptor” Harold said smugly. “His name is Bear.”

Guess that explains the collar John thought. Bear had a large leather collar with studs around his neck, the tag with his identifying information hanging from the front. The metal tag was in the shape of a skull & crossbones, except the 'skull' was the smiling face of a teddy bear.

The minions and the dinosaur eyed each other warily as Finch's gaze bounced between the two groups excitedly.

“Is it safe?” John asked quietly, keeping still so as not to provoke the beast but not liking the way it was looking at them. It seemed....hungry.

“Certainly!” Finch said. “I familiarized it with your scent so that it would recognize you as part of its 'pack.'”

Lionel had an epiphany “That's where my missing boxers went!”

“You fed our dirty laundry to a dinosaur?” Reese said incredulously.

“Of course not!” Finch said indignantly. “Do you really think there is anything on the planet that would be tempted to eat Lionel's underwear? Those were lost in another experiment”...Finch trailed off in an indecipherable mumble.”...wormhole...” 

Further discussion was cut off by Lionel's action. Reassured as to the good intentions of the Velociraptor, he shoved his phone into Reese's hands and strode across the room to throw an arm around the confused beast. 

“Take my picture! Take my picture! Lee is gonna love this! I am gonna be the coolest dad ever.”

“DubelmoHchugh wej ghaH Sop. be poq SuyItHa' ghaH.” Harold said to Bear, while John brought up the phone to take a picture. The minion and the dinosaur were both sporting wide toothy grins. Reese suppressed a chuckle as Fusco raised two fingers for bunny ears behind Bear's head for the next shot. This wasn't a lightsaber, but it was still pretty cool.

“majQa'. vavlI' SoHvaD Hem” Finch told Bear when the photoshoot was over.

“What was that Harold?” John asked curiously.

“Some of the training material I reviewed during the process suggested that commands be spoken in a foreign language in order to avoid confusion with normal conversation.”

“I've heard some military dogs are trained to respond to Dutch commands. But that didn't sound like Dutch to me.”

“Noooooo. I don't know Dutch. I decided to use another language I was already familiar with, but that Bear was unlikely to hear spoken during routine day-to-day activities.”

John was confused for a moment before he figured it out. Really, he should have expected this from Harold. But dammit, now he was going to have to learn Klingon!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why yes, I did just see Jurassic World :)
> 
> Klingon quotes  
> *Please do not eat him. I am sure he would give you indigestion.  
> **Good job. Daddy's very proud of you


	5. Acquisitions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gang gets ready for their first missions...

With the addition of Fusco, John was officially Finch’s Number One Right Hand Man. John could now employ that condescending attitude that had so irritated him when he was on the receiving end from Stanton. Now it was finally John’s turn!

So they began preparations for their upcoming missions. Fortunately Finch had decreed that their work clothes would be simple business suits -- no garish costumes (John was quite relieved as he hadn't wanted to end up in purple spandex)

John was a bit disappointed in their weaponry though. Finch had created for them some nonlethal stun guns, although he did also give them some cool Jetpacks. And the Personal Shields were thoughtful – most Super Villains didn't show much concern for their minions. Their finicky boss also created a gun that actually zapped dirt. John whiled away a pleasant afternoon shooting dust bunnies around Headquarters.

Perhaps the most “dangerous” weapon Finch had created was the Naked Ray Gun—for use in cases of crimes against fashion. Although unfortunately most of the worst offenders would be people you wouldn’t want to see naked. John was still scarred from when they tested the gun on Fusco’s work coveralls.

So properly outfitted and equipped, they started their crime spree. Finch mainly had John & Fusco “liberating” a number of rare first editions. It wasn’t quite what John was used to but it did make a refreshing change. They very rarely got shot at and usually didn’t even need to raise their voices during the thefts. Their victims merely begged that the books not be harmed and they seemed somewhat reassured when they saw the care with which they packed up their loot before making their escape.


	6. Agent Carter

They were moving up in the criminal world as their little gang had been assigned their own agent from AVOCADO (the Anti-Villain Or Criminal Association Defense Organization). It wasn’t quite the same as having their own Superhero nemesis, but it was a start. AVOCADO filled a necessary gap in the fight against Evil. Superheroes were good but notoriously unreliable; if they weren’t called away to fight in another world or dimension, they were too often embroiled in some sort of personal crisis.

 

Agent Carter wasn't sure what to make of her new assignment. The theft of some pricey books wasn't usually something AVOCADO would be interested in, content to leave it to local law enforcement. She had to wonder about the unseen Mastermind behind the crime spree. Certainly not your typical Super Villain type. The first glimpse they had had that this was more than ordinary crime were those embarrassing indecent exposure incidents. That seemed more up the alley of those two yahoos pulling off the crimes than the theft of some good literature. The naked ray gun used indicated that these were more than just common criminals and put the gang on AVOCADO's radar. At least the aftermath of their escapades was a lot simpler than clean up for most Super Villain capers. There were no burning buildings or cars turned into ice cream melting on the streets. And that giant squid monster used in one attack had gotten rather stinky as AVOCADO tried to cart off its corpse after the battle. She hadn't envied the Agents who had to clean up that mess. The worst Agent Carter had to deal with so far was supplying tissues to forlorn librarians and book collectors or providing blankets to some naked and confused civilians.

 

Carter had been rather bemused when after their first run in, she had received a bouquet of flowers, a beautifully written thank you note, and a bullet-pointed critique of her performance with suggestions for improvement. Well, she already knew that the unseen Criminal Mastermind had good taste based on his choice of loot. Apparently he also had good manners as well. She sighed as she finished typing up her report on their latest theft, idly hugging the large stuffed bear that had arrived a short time ago with the usual thank you note. It really was rather soft and cuddly. Too bad Taylor was too old for stuffed animals anymore. The boy was growing up so fast. Soon he would be off to college and she would have an empty nest. She wasn't looking forward to that time. She knew her mother missed not having to babysit now that her son was older. Carter had found her one day wistfully staring at a website for abandoned kitties, and had quickly staged an intervention before her mama ended up as one of those crazy cat ladies. Although Carter had to admit that the kitten on the main page of the website was adorably cute. She had even sent in $10, pleased to have her faith in humanity restored by witnessing the kindness of strangers after all the Evil she was forced to deal with during her job.


	7. Reputation

They were beginning to get a reputation in the criminal world, although not the one John would have expected.

Apparently the other evildoers were accusing them of being “snooty” because they wore suits and stole books and antiques. John had been called lots of things in his career: “trigger-happy”, “lethal weapon”, “tall, dark, and dangerous” but never snooty. Lionel just shrugged, saying he didn't mind having a reputation for being brainy. Reese retorted that he doubted Fusco was contributing much to that impression. With a scowl Fusco showed his displeasure at the comment by reversing the polarity on the Dust Bunny gun he had been cleaning with and giving John a painful zap. John retaliated by throwing a pillow at Fusco's head, realizing too late that he had now armed his enemy. He grabbed another pillow from the sofa and then the fight was on!

Lured by the sounds of mayhem Bear eagerly joined the fray. Unfortunately the pillows were no match for the velociraptor's teeth and claws, and soon the room was filled with feathers. They tried to zap the feathers with the Dust Bunny gun, but that seemed to only magnetize them so that they clung all over them, making them look like strange mutated chickens. Grabbing the feathers only meant that they stuck to their fingers despite how wildly they waved their hands about. If one was successfully detached it would simply float in the air for a moment before wafting back and reattaching itself to its hapless victim. Only Bear seemed to be having any luck in de-feathering himself, mostly because John and Lionel weren't eager to lick their feathers off with their tongues.

After several minutes of fruitless effort and excessive cursing, they suddenly became aware of the ominous presence of Finch in the doorway. His eyes were narrowed and he was scowling with displeasure. He ordered John and Lionel to come downstairs when they had finished cleaning up before he called Bear to heal and stalked away. The two combatants finally resorted to using the Naked Ray Gun to clean themselves, and then vacuumed up the remaining feathers after putting on fresh clothes. With trepidation they slowly made their way down to Harold's lab, dreading to find out what sort of punishment he was going to hand out.

It was worse than they thought. They were forced to binge watch Downton Abbey with him as Harold got caught up on the latest season. As he suffered in silence, Reese privately mused that if word of this got out it would only reinforce their “snooty” reputation.


	8. My Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finch guards his space jealously

While New York was the hub of activity for Super Villains and Evil Organizations on the East Coast, the downside was that territory was at a premium as everyone jockied to carve out their own little section of the city.

Finch didn’t want any interlopers disrupting his quiet, so he created a new weapon for Reese and Fusco to confront any criminals or villains operating in the portion of the city Finch considered “his”. John would have to admit that the new weapon worked surprisingly well. It encased the enemy in a large flexible ball, keeping their guns from firing through the membrane, preventing them from punching or kicking anyone, and forcing them to move at only a slow rolling wobble. Reese and Fusco had a good laugh watching from the shadows as Carter and the AVOCADO agents rolled them all away in their large human hamster balls. If only they could come up with a more intimidating name for the weapon than the bubble-ball gun!

Reese finally got his chance to break out the good weapons when a visiting Super Villain started to rampage through Chinatown with an army of robots. Finch was outraged when he heard the news over the police broadcasts, as the destruction zone was perilously close to the little shop where he bought his favorite tea. He immediately dispatched Reese and Fusco equipped with the Destructo-ray and the Atomizer gun to deal with the problem. The duo quickly made their way to Chinatown using the handy teleporter, and started blasting robots right and left. Reese smiled as by his estimate he was well ahead of Fusco in terms of robots blasted!

Finch’s territoriality had the unexpected side benefit of earning Carter a promotion, as her part of the city had the lowest amount of Super Villain activity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a little something to help get the writing juices flowing


	9. Book Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> what happens in Book Club stays in Book Club...

John scowled as he let their unwelcome guests into the Library Lair. Well, unwelcome as far as John was concerned, but not by Harold, or else Reese would have been free to slam the door in their faces.

Still, as far as sometimes allies went, John supposed they could have done worse than Elias. Elias had previously been just your typical mob boss, although he had eliminated enough of his competition to become the undisputed King of the cities criminal forces. A King who had weathered several assassination attempts by rival gangsters trying to unseat him. Elias had laid low following the most recent attempt before emerging from the shadowy underworld to take a place in the spotlight as a full on Super Villain. Rumors abounded that maybe one or more of those assassination attempts had backfired and instead conferred some sort of superpower (not unreasonable when exotic poisons or radiation were employed). But no one dared to ask.

If nothing else the attempts seemed to have affected the man's dress sense. He sauntered past John in a diva-esque Super villain ensemble: purple jumpsuit with silver gloves, boots, and belt. Shiny silver helmet and lavender goggles large enough to fit over his glasses. (Reese and Fusco often joked the helmet was to cover up Elias' loss of hair). And a long flowing black hooded cloak for skulking in the shadows when he wanted to be less conspicuous. Fortunately his number-one henchman had stayed with his traditional outfit: black T-shirt, black jeans, steel toed-boots, and black leather jacket. The only color in the outfit was the shiny silver belt buckle of a grinning skull, which sported a crack in its cranium that mirrored the scar on Anthony's face.

As a mob boss Elias had had his hand in a lot of pies. He had extensive contacts who fed him all the dirt from jealous rivals, angry exes, ambitions underlings, and scheming politicians. He still used those contacts to keep tabs on the other competing super villains in the city. While he now boasted the flamboyance of the usual Super Villain and had pulled off some daring and flashy operations, he was still the subtle and careful planner that he had been in his mob days. He had once offered Finch a place in his criminal organization back when he was just starting out, and the two had remained on good terms even though Finch had turned him down and branched out on his own. Now that they were both super villains they had become BFFs. Finch's own information gathering tended to involve more ferreting into peoples' digital footprints, so between Harold's cyber stalking and Elias' old-school snooping the two could dig up anyone's skeletons. John would have to admit Elias was ruthless and had mad organization skills. If Reese wasn’t devoted to Finch then Elias might not be a bad boss. The two of them could certainly best any of their competition if they set their minds to it. 

The two allies would get together Monday nights for a friendly chess game. They would make bets as to who would win, with Elias paying up with tidbits of secrets and juicy blackmail material and Finch forfeiting some trinkets from his lab depending on who won that week's game. Reese and Fusco would host Scarface in the library room with the large flat screen TV where they would watch football or some other sporting event (Finch had pirated all the channels) while their bosses played chess. They were often too loud and raucous for Bear, what with their cheering or booing as their teams battled, so the dinosaur had taken to hanging out in the other room with Harold. Elias had started to bring large bones as gifts to ingratiate himself with the velociraptor. Reese hoped that he wasn't digging up some former victims to obtain the snacks. Harold poo-pooed the idea when Reese mentioned it, saying that Elias wouldn't be so gauche as to give a hand-me-down used bone as a present -he would only gift something from a fresh kill. Reese didn't find that too comforting....but at least it wasn't cannibalism as far as Bear was concerned. He would just be sure never to try any dip that Scarface might bring to the festivities.

The Monday night get-togethers were rather an enjoyable time, and could be rather profitable depending on how the betting went. The reason for John's bad mood was that this wasn't Monday night—it was Wednesday afternoon. In addition to their love of chess, good manners, and evil plots, Harold and Elias also shared an appreciation for the classics. So John was forced to spend one afternoon a week scowling at Scarface while Finch and Elias discussed their latest novel of interest over tea and cookies. John wondered what other minions would think of their Evil Overlord’s book club. Since Anthony stayed in the room John had to as well in order to balance things out. So while their bosses discussed their recent novel over snacks, Reese and Scarface practiced their nonverbal communication while standing protectively behind their respective bosses' chairs. It was Death Glare versus Intimidating Stare. Anthony had an advantage in the scowl department due to his scar, whereas Reese was more the stoic unflinching type with a looming presence.

Fusco avoided most of the boring literary discussion by watching Bear and preparing tea and refreshments. Reese thought Fusco was the one more in need of a minder. While Fusco blamed the loss of a tray of cucumber sandwiches on Bear, John thought that the velociraptor was unlikely to be interested in finger food unless it contained actual fingers.

Initially John had attributed Scarface's staying in the room to spite over petty jealousy, as Elias had once complimented Harold on John's ability. That is until the day Anthony brought his own copy Flowers of Evil and joined in the discussion of French poetry. Who knew the other henchman was such a renaissance man? And it was Reese and Fusco who had the reputation for being snooty.


	10. Big Night Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Gang reap some rewards from their dastardly deeds

It was Elias who had gotten them into it, so John supposed in a round-about way he was responsible.

John really should thank the balding Super Villain for that.

Maybe John should whack someone for him? Usually John wouldn't infringe on Scarface's territory, but Anthony was still recovering from the latest assassination attempt. Of course Elias had rained fiery hell down on those who had conspired to take him out, but a few had slipped through his net.

John was sure Finch would be able to track down one for him, but then how to take the fugitive out? Well Elias had always had a fondness for car bombs.....Although maybe it would be better to just kneecap the guy and drop him off for Anthony to deal with, make it a combined 'Thank You' and 'Get Well Soon' gift.

 

Elias had mentioned during one of the Monday night chess games that he had put forth Harold's name for membership in the Villains Club. Harold was dubious at first, but Elias reassured him that this wasn't about an unholy alliance, but more of a social club for like-minded individuals. Harold would only be required to pay some nominal dues and commit at least 1 major or 3 minor public evil deeds per year, and he would remain a member in good standing and be invited to the semi-annual get togethers. The fees were paid to an independent legal firm for the expenses incurred by the meetings. None of the members would therefore be tempted to steal the money, as that would then deprive them of a good party and also make them look cheap to their peers. It was an almost universal truth that Super Villains had lonely childhoods. So they wouldn't want to miss their chance to go to a party where they were part of the 'In Crowd' (Super Villains after all were the Rock Stars of the Evil community) and discuss their passion for evil with like-minded individuals. 

It all sounded much better to Reese than the conventions sponsored by the various Evil Organizations, which tended toward boring seminars and were more of a punishment than a party.

The best news about the upcoming assembly was that it would include the annual Villains' Choice Awards – and they had won one! They would receive a small trophy for 'Most Creative Use of Lasers by a Cult or Group of Less than 35 Members'. John remembered that mission fondly. It had been rather spectacular, even taking his mind off his lack of a light saber for a while.

But this would be their first appearance at one of the Villains Club events, and John wanted to be sure that he was well prepared. So he took Scarface aside during the next chess meeting and grilled the man about what to expect. Fortunately his sometime rival was feeling well disposed toward John due the traitorous goon he had tracked down and gifted to Anthony and Elias for their revenge.

John took copious notes as the other man talked, but one item Scarface mentioned was a particular concern. He waited until after Elias and Scarface had left before going down to discuss the matter with Finch in the main laboratory.

“Harold, if you have a moment I'd like to discuss our appearance at the upcoming awards....”

“I am glad you brought that up Mr. Reese, I have already made some arrangements” and Finch darted into the back room of his lab, returning with a handfull of clothes on hangers.

“I believe our best choice is classic black with satin notch lapel. Bespoke of course. And I assume you know how to tie one of these?”

“I was an international spy, of course I know how to tie one.”

“Good, then you can help your comrade.”

“Fusco can't tie a bow tie?” John asked slightly incredulously.

“I was referring to Bear” Finch said with a slight frown, as he shuffled the hangers to bring forth an oddly cut tuxedo jacket, shorter than most and flared at the bottom and with a sort-of white dickey instead of the usual shirt. John quickly decided that while he might tie the bowtie, Fusco could try and wrestle the velociraptor into the rest of the outfit.

John complimented Finch on his choice of outfit before voicing the real problem with the event. Each Super Villain would be attending with an entourage, and it was important that the number included was just right – too many and they would look like they were overcompensating for something, too few and they would just appear pathetic. From his talk with Scarface John had learned that 5 was the optimal number, which meant that even if they included Bear as a minion instead of his rightful position as mascot they would still come up short. It was a poor time to try and recruit with so little time for vetting ahead of the Awards.

 

Elias had been established for quite a while; he had been a mob boss before his emergence as a Super Villain and therefore had a large array of minions. Anthony had plenty to choose from when drafting Elias' entourage. Harold had only recently joined the ranks of Super Villains, and was much more selective in his recruiting. John was also leery about adding new people who might not fit well with their current little group.

 

It might seem that the concentration of villains at the event would be a bonanza for Law Enforcement to swoop in and make arrests. But a veritable army of officers would be required to take on the large group of villains, and the ensuing throw down would not be pretty. In order to save the city from the fallout of such a confrontation the Villains Club meetings now had a sort of amnesty. And Law Enforcement ensured that no Super Heros crashed the party-the costumed vigilantes of course could not be expected to act with any professional decorum, and their presence in the midst of a bunch of Super Villains was akin to throwing a lighted match in a vat of gasoline.

Of course there was still a Law Enforcement presence from the various agencies at the Villains Club events. They went undercover as wait staff, trying to pick up any useful intel. Which meant that the Villains could not only enjoy partying with their peers, they could gloat over being served by their enemies.

You might think that that might rankle the Law Enforcement officers, but you would be wrong. A trait common among villains was a lust for the good things in life and a tendency to excess. So the buffet at the events was stocked with the most expensive gourmet food and alcohol they could obtain. Since another trait the villains shared was paranoia, most of the food and drink went untouched. Meaning the agents could enjoy the leftover bonanza while comparing notes after the event was over. Many of the agents pulled strings to try and be assigned to surveillance duty, knowing it would result in a free vacation. The events were always held at 5-star hotels, the Super Villains were always too busy partying to pull off any heists, and the agents could enjoy their own after party once the Villains had gone home. It was a win-win for everyone.

 

The night of the awards show they gathered together and Harold gave everyone a last critical evaluation before they set off. He had worked wonders to ensure that their numbers had been expanded to 5 minions by the addition of 3 robots. Fusco had named the additions Rocky, Robbie, and Claude (although he had really been calling the last one 'clod' for stepping on his foot when Harold had walked in and misconstrued what was said. Since then the name had stuck). John congratulated Harold on managing to fabricate the robots so quickly. Finch simply sighed and said that the hardest part was getting his tailor to get their tuxes finished on time. Harold had even been forced to make the last few alterations himself.

The night was a spectacular success. They all proudly gathered on stage to accept their award. Finch stepped forward to give a brief but tasteful acceptance speech. John got a little teary eyed when his boss thanked his team – he had never gotten that sort of recognition at his previous organization.

Of course Harold had thanked his parents first, but that wasn't unusual. Almost every acceptance speech of the evening had included a shout out to the winner's mother. It seemed Super Villains really did love their mummies, and not just the creepy undead ones.

When they had headed back to their seats Harold's agent, Zoe, had surprised him with a celebratory kiss on the cheek. John had been impressed when he had been introduced to her a while back – apparently she had been instrumental in making the arrangements for the secret lab in the hideout. Elias had suggested her to Harold when Finch turned down his offer of a job and said he would be striking out on his own. Elias said that she was an eager up-and-comer and would be a great facilitator for Harold's start-up business. She had attended the awards event as one of several interested third parties peripherally involved in the evil business, and had been so thrilled that her newest client had won such recognition in his first year of operation that she momentarily let her professionalism slip. Harold had been flustered and distracted by the attention, which led to what shortly followed.

As great as winning the award had been, John would have to say that the highlight of the evening for him was Bear snacking on Blofeld's cat. Served the jealous jerk right for casting aspersions on Harold's villainy! Its not like Blofeld would have been eligible for the award considering the size of SPECTRE.

“Eeewww. How tacky!” Harold exclaimed as Bear burped out the poor cat's sparkly collar. At a signal from John, Fusco hustled Finch and the unrepentant and still hungry Bear away. Lionel pulled out his Naked Ray Gun to discourage any of the SPECTRE grunts from making a move. After all, getting shot was all par for the course for a minion. But being naked in front of a crowd of your peers and boss was the stuff of nightmares! Meanwhile Elias stepped forward to smooth things over for his favorite frenemy while Harold made his escape.

“Such a tragedy. Perhaps a donation in the pet's honor would make you feel better. There is this one website I'm familiar with...” and Blofeld was successfully distracted by the image of Gramma Moses' cute kitten on Elias' tablet. Behind his back Reese shared a fist bump with Scarface. 

Trust Elias to add insult to injury under the guise of “helping” the jerk out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trope bingo square: celebratory kiss


End file.
